Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006 - 04:54
Well Its amazing how time flies, I am now back in Southern California, and you gotta love this state, however I am having to work hard to stay here, I know have 2 jobs, Security Guard, and Geek Squad. I am also saving up for a nice apartment, I have been with my current girlfriend now for over a year, and by being open and honest we are still doing fine, I am very proud of her because she had a good interview for a job, and maybe working at a Hospital soon.
On another note, Its been amazing recently people from my past keep popping up and some of them mean so much to me. I am glad to see that the universe e is keeping us in touch.
May you all find your happiness in different ways :)
Saturday, Dec. 04, 2004 - 21:42
I know I haven't written in a while, and for that I am sorry. I have been trying to acquire a car, make money, and combat the cold, (which is hard to to do on a motorcycle). I have found a car that I Love, and think will be just the car for me. I hope to show you all some pictures sometime soon. So as soon I have bought the car, I should be able to start doing my nursing jobs.
No particular girls hold my fancy right now. My roommate is really sweet though, and I am trying to make her life a little easier, I know I am not the man for her, but maybe I will be a good "Mr Right Now", until she finds Mr Right. I am really looking forward to working allot more, and possible then working that into going to school. I wand to go full time, but I have to figure out exactly what I want to major in.. Nursing would be a good choice. I like to help people, but maybe I am more cut out for criminology, besides that stuff is so much more interesting. I am torn, I guess I just need to look at the class load and see what is covered at BGSU and take it from there.
I hope in this holiday season, that you are doing well, and are able to be with the ones you love and care about. Because it is those people who make life worth living. and that help remind you what a beautiful world you live in every day. Sometimes you have to just believe, and things will be... Well I am going to clean up, but I will have you in my mind and heart... Ciao.....
Wednesday, Nov. 10, 2004 - 12:48
Why can't I get her out of my head
Her touch, kiss, and everything she's said
Kisses with so much passion
Like they weren't meant for just one night
Smart, sweet, and nice is she
She deserves a better guy than me
I will help her try to be with the guy of her dreams
Because I just want her to be happy
My dad would say there are many fish in the sea
That I need to experience the world and they will find me
But when I find one I would like to see
She tells me it wasn't meant to be...(quietly) I disagree
So with an open heart and open mind I head back out to sea
Maybe a mermaid will save me from the storm of dating
Getting bashed and thrashed and spirit torn
Someone save me from this storm
It's getting cold out I need to stay warm
Maybe the forces above will guide me through the storm
I will be patient and take my time
I am sure soon I will get another sign.
Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004 - 22:21
Here's that poem I wrote a while ago but didn't get the chance to post...
Cupid must think it terribly funny
When he shots me in the tummy
And watches me fall head over heals
Will he shoot her too? Whats the deal.
I think he may be off in his aim
For I am not sure if he has helped her feel the same way.
But all joking aside I don't want to scare her off
I just think she's great and thank the heavens above
What she thinks about me I am not sure
I think she's a wonderful girl
I am just an average guy
Wanting to be part of her world.
Monday, Oct. 25, 2004 - 15:03
Well I wrote a new poem, however it got left at work, so it may be a little while till you all get to read it. Its just the usual helplessly romantic. I talked to D M from New York, and it was so nice to share my feelings with her. Being much wiser than me in so many ways, she had good insight. Unfortunately she is kinda jaded sometimes, and forgets how amazing the world is. From the butterflies, to the start. The first kiss between two lovers, and the inexplicable forces that brings them together. You just have to pay attention to the signs, and the world. Enjoying every moment you are here, and making choices out of love, and not out of fear. Sometimes they don't seem to make sense, but in the end its those decisions that are the hinging points of your life. Looking back in amazement, at how you made that decision, out of love and what you know to bring happiness to you and the world around you, and what it in turn let you do. When you look at your child and see the beauty of the world summed up into one face. Your passion and love embodied, in a little mind. You realize that nothing you did was a waste, for it brought you to this time and place.
My motorcycle is still at her appointment. :( I hope that she is OK I haven't heard anything from them whether shes OK or not.
I am not sure if I told you but I saw a shooting star the other night and I made a wish :) . No I can't tell you what I wished for because then it won't come true and I want it to come true with all my heart! well with that I will depart and leave you to your thoughts.. May you find what you seek and hold in your heart all those that are dear to you. For Love will watch over you no matter where you are.
Saturday, Oct. 23, 2004 - 01:37
Well someone asked me if I believed in God the other day, and though I gave them a quick answer, there is more that I wanted to say. I don't know whether there is a God is isn't a God. I am not wise enough to know. I would like to believe there is. That he is watching over me and guiding me through the many obstacles in my life. Helping me enrich myself with knowledge. But I can't say for sure if he really is there. What I do know is that I believe in Love, human spirit, and that it truly can conquer all. I do my best to be the kind of person I would like my children to be. I currently have a experiment going on which I can't disclose here, but God if your up there you know what I am talking about.
Well I don't know how it happened, but cupid used me for target practice again. I met this really nice sweet smart girl, and well zing zam blam. I was talking to someone about her and I realized, that she is the opposite that could help make me whole. As much as we are different though we are the same in many ways too. I mean when I found out she hasn't smoked, gotten drunk, or high, it really blew me away. I knew that she was someone very special. We need those opposites in our live to help give it purpose, and balance.
Here are a couple quotes I like..
"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death."
"I hold it true,what'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."
-Alfred Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam
"Perfect love is rare indeed - for to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise, the flexibility of the child, the sensitivity of the artist, the understanding of the philosopher, the acceptance of the saint, the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."
"A relationship is like a rose, How long it lasts, no one knows; Love can erase an awful past, Love can be yours, you'll see at last; To feel that love, it makes you sigh, To have it leave, you'd rather die; You hope you've found that special rose, 'Cause you love and care for the one you chose."
"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage."
"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
On a side more puzzling note..
I got a fortune cookie the other day, that really makes you wonder about coincidence or if there is a grand design. I don't know maybe cupid just wanted to mess around with me. But the fortune cookie read, “Don't expect romantic attachments to be strictly logical or rational!” well I think it speaks for itself. What do you think it means? Just a coincidence maybe someone bigger than me trying to tell me to smell the roses and believe?
I do my best to live my life with an open mind and open heart. ... Well i better head to bed have to get up at 5:15 to work.
May you all create your own happiness, and follow your dreams.
Wednesday, Oct. 20, 2004 - 18:13
Why do opposites attract
Is it just to make things hard
Or does it work better like that
I think that's the way its meant to be
For in the other we find what we are missing
So it seems like it works to me
But we all want to be loved and happy
So are we really all that different?
Besides our anatomy
Well I like this girl who says shes different than me
I think it could work out
But we will see, only half of the choice is up to me.
Tuesday, Oct. 19, 2004 - 12:20
Kristi n Me
The thought of her makes me smile
Even thought I am driving thought rain
Mile After Mile
On my motorcycle
Many things from her I could learn
If I should be so lucky to again hang out with her
Butterflies in my stomach when she looks at me
Makes me wonder about all the things that could be
But I don't wanna jump the gun.
For this all has just begun.
If she seduced me or I seduced her we are still not sure
She did say for a few days she will be weird
Now she's off in Michigan,
I hope I get to see her again
For she's so sweet and nice
I hope she decides to stay in my life.
Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2004 - 08:18
Hey its been a while since I have typed, so I thought I would say hello. Well due to drama I have relocated to Sandusky. Its Ironic that the people that care about us the most somehow seem to be the ones that also cause the most drama, no matter how well intended their actions may be.
Talking about drama, I called my mom the other day to say hi and check in, because I am trying to return to California for my birthday, well she was not very happy to hear from me and that conversation was a big disappointment. I thought that since I had just graduated my Nursing class, she would be happy after all we had been on very good terms, I have been calling more often etc. Well I was mistaken, to her defence she did probably have jet lag. Anyways I called her back yesterday night, and she was in a much better mood, it almost threw me off. All in all however I was quite pleased with the conversation, and am calling her back today.
Latest news, I am a State Tested/Certified Nursing Aid. I have put in a couple applications, and am looking forward to starting work soon. As for my trip to California, well Not sure how that is going to work out, we will just have to wait and see.
Girls can be sweet
Girls can be nice
Girls are fun
To hold on to through the night
With just a hug they can make the worst day alright
But you better watch out
Cuz they can also be MEAN
Sunday, Sept. 05, 2004 - 18:31
Well its been a while since I wrote last, so many things have happened, and months few past. This month I am dedicating myself to school, I am going to do my best, because that's all I can do. I really lucky to have my parents supporting me in my schooling, It feels so nice to have them believe that I can do well.
Sometimes you have to let the ones you care about be free. To learn and find out who they are going to be. I don't think that's ever been an easy thing for me to do, because I care about them so much and just want to see them happy, in everything they do. I heard a great line once about needing the bitter to appreciate the sweet. I like that idea though not always fun when you are getting the bitter you know that soon you will be having fun.
Love is the biggest risk we can take, to share with others and yet at the same time its safe. Just think about it I am not going to explain. Well I am going to go soon before I start to ramble, but I leave you with a poem about the road of life in which I am stumbling.
Returning to What?
(Aka..Hide n Seek)
Soon I will be home
Don't know where the time has gone
Forever traveling like a vagabond
A new state, a new year
Another girl to call my dear
It's about time I get out of here
So I'll jump on my bike
Open up the throttle
Me and my baby riding home
How will it be when i get there
Will things have changed
Will my parents call me "son" instead of my name
I don't have answers to these questions
But I will in time
Until then they will play hide n seek in my mind
Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004 - 23:24
Well my day was relatively positive. I worked, planned future work, and all and all was responsible. (Shh don't tell anyone) On a positive note, my roomie had work to day, that a really positive thing, its unfortunate that he doesn't get to do it more often, hopefully he will catch a break one of these days. It looks like I am going to do some more freelance in NJ, I hope. It would really help, besides you never know how long a gig like that is going to last. I had a happy surprise today, MIA a x girlfriend of mine called, and she sounded like she was doing good. I sure hope that life treats her fairly. She is one of the few girls I could see myself marrying. Jeez Yea I know that's a big statement for the normal guy, but Crazy for me.. well what can you say.. somethings you just know.. anyways, I am still working hard to get everything back in order, my computer is still being fixed, and who knows when i will have it back, I am getting tired of waiting though I will say that. Well I am going to go I hope to play some tennis tomorrow granted it doesn't rain, and I have a partner to play with. I hope you all are well and I will talk to you later.
Thursday, Jun. 10, 2004 - 23:16
Well my day was relatively positive. I worked, planned future work, and all and all was responsible. (Shh don't tell anyone) On a positive note, my roomie had work to day, that a really positive thing, its unfortunate that he doesn't get to do it more often, hopefully he will catch a break one of these days. It looks like I am going to do some more freelance in NJ, I hope. It would really help, besides you never know how long a gig like that is going to last. I had a happy surprise today, MIA a x girlfriend of mine called, and she sounded like she was doing good. I sure hope that life treats her fairly. She is one of the few girls I could see myself marrying. Jeez Yea I know thats a big statement for the normal guy, but Crazy for me.. well what can you say.. somethings you just know.. anyways, I am still working hard to get everything back in order, my computer is still being fixed, and who knows when i will have it back, I am getting tired of waiting though I will say that. Well I am going to go I hope to play some tennis tommarow granted it doesn't rain, and I have a partner to play with. I hope you all are well and I will talk to you later.
Tuesday, Apr. 06, 2004 - 15:52
Its so sad when you know someone that is letting their past rule them. But there is nothing you can do we all see the world through our own perspective. If only you could help change someones perspective maybe there would be hope. I just hate to see my friends unhappy. Sometimes people don't realize how much having a job help you. Not only are you making money, but you are doing something during the day, hopefully being usefull to society. Unfortunatly sometimes people can't humble themselfs enought to do a simple job when they are qualified for much more. Anyways I am going to relax just got back from work. Hope that you are doing well. Don't forget each day is a day we can make new choices, to create happiness in our lives.
Wednesday, Jun. 02, 2004 - 15:25
Feel like Cryn Feel like dying
Gotta break up with a girl I love
Why does love have to be so tough
Don't wanna cause no pain
It me that doesn't fit her
I will always be her friend
Love her and care about her till the end
The happy moments we shared and continue to make
Will be with me everyday
But romantically its got to end
Because I don't want to lose her as a friend
I am at a loss. I love a girl, but know that I must break it off with her, because its not going to work in the long run. And so single handedly I crush all our dreams of us. With a monsoon of tears, and lots of hugs, I can't forgive myself. A girl that all she wanted was for me to be happy, and to be happy with me. Why can't that work? Does love have to be this painful. There is nothing I can say that will brighten her day. Nothing I can do to fix it now. So now I sit crying. Typing my feelings and listening to John Mayer. Why do I have to bring her pain. I love her so deeply, why can't I just bring happiness into the world and let someone else give the pain!!!!!! I don't want to be responsible for anyone's happiness., because it seems that then I am responsible for their sadness too.. well I have to mop up these tears and get ready for work. Talk to you soon.
Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004 - 14:47
I am at a loss. I love a girl, but know that I must break it off with her, because its not going to work in the long run. And so single handedly I crush all her dreams of us. With a monsoon of tears, and lots of hugs, I can't forgive myself. A girl that all she wanted was for me to be happy, and to be happy with me. Why can't that work? Does love have to be this painful. There is nothing I can say that will brighten her day. Nothing I can do to fix it now.
It's been a while since I have written in here. I am doing fine, seem like my life is moving on, and I am learning how to make it go in the direction I want it to. There are so many things I have to learn though... like I thought I was getting better at relationships, etc, however it seems no matter what I do certain relationships continue to be rocky.
On a different note, me and my parents seem to be doing well, I call them every once in a while, and let them know what I am up to. I send my mom a 2 lb box of See's chocolate. She really really liked it. Its makes me happy when my actions have the desired result. However it seems that allot of the times you don't have much control over that.
What do you do when you know ultimately that something isn't going to work out in the end but, for now it will work just fine. It's just not forever.. Should you stop it the moment you have concluded that it isn't forever?
I got picked to have my peotry in a book and cd of poetry. I think thats pretty cool.
The impending storm of feelings is about to attack me till then hope you are doing well talk to you later.
Monday, Feb. 02, 2004 - 11:31
Sometimes I think people do things, and they don't realize all of what the effects of their actions cause. So that's why patience and understanding is so important. It really hurts when someone you care about continuously says slanderous things, assuming the worst about you, and deciding that is the truth no matter what. Even when they should realize that they are just being paranoid, and giving shape to their own insecurities. I am very far from perfect, and I know that they care about me, but in the rain of insults and hurtful remarks, I am losing sight of that. I don't call them names or insult them. Why are they doing that to me. It used to be that when I had a problem I would talk to them. But more and more I am finding that it doesn't help, that they just accuse me of psycho babble, and hurt me anyway. I know that they are a great person, and they tell me they think the world of me, but it seems to me that their actions are contradictory.
Its sad, because its very much like me and my mom. She cares the world about me, and I know that in my mind, but it didn't feel that way usually. Being paranoid about what I was doing, assuming the worst, never that I had done something positive, just that I am a failure, lazy, and irresponsible, without a clue or care for anyone. Well what can I say, after a while of hearing that over and over, it was depressing and I got myself out of that situation. Tried to find a way that worked. Keep in mind this was when I was in my pre-teen through teenage years. So I am sure I was a very difficult kid to deal with, no doubt, stubborn, etc. however through being patient, and continuing to try, I think that my relationship with my mom is getting better, and that makes me happy.
When do the intentions behind actions cease to matter, when are the actions the ones that count. You know why actions speak louder than words? Because we feel them. They strike our emotions, when words strike our ears, then our mind, then our emotions (sometimes). Some people would have you believe that life is simple. I think that Ideally life may be simple, but realistically it is a very complicated and intricate cocktail of feelings, actions, and experiences. Like a drink its taste unique to the taster. With that I am going to take my leave, and see if I can't get some work done.
Oh last of all, I just wanted to remind all of you, this is my diary, so I am just voicing opinions, and thoughts that are still going through my head, so take it all with a grain of salt. Not to mention that it may be warped by my views of the world. Anyway I hope that you doing well when you read this. bye.
Monday, Jan. 26, 2004 - 00:16
My experience is that being open is the key behind relationships that work. I hope that my friends respect me as much as I respect them, but in the end its the openness, trust and understanding that matters. I am lucky to have such great friends. Speaking of great friends I got to talk to a couple people recently that I haven't talked to for a while, and it's really nice. Meanwhile a great friend of mine is helping me give more direction to my life and start on making money in the world, and I can't do enough to thank him. Although things aren't always smooth between us I know that we both just want the best for each other. Well I am tired I will write more later...
Friday, Jan. 23, 2004 - 16:02
Well I started writing an entry, but thanx to the great people at Microsoft, Netscape crashed, and now I am writing it all over again. The first entry I wrote was me musing on respect, and how a close friend of mine claims to respect me, but does things intentionally knowing that those actions hurts me and that I am uncomfortable with them. (The reason he knows this is because I told them that, and asked them to please not do that to me.) However in writing the entry I realized that I couldn't define respect real well, I could just distinguish between actions that were or weren't respectful. So I decided to look it up.
Main Entry: 1re·spect
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin respectus, literally, act of looking back, from respicere to look back, regard, from re- + specere to look -- more at SPY
1 : a relation or reference to a particular thing or situation
2 : an act of giving particular attention : CONSIDERATION
3 a : high or special regard : ESTEEM b : the quality or state of being esteemed c plural : expressions of respect or deference
4 : PARTICULAR, DETAIL respects>
- in respect of chiefly British : with respect to : CONCERNING
- in respect to : with respect to : CONCERNING
- with respect to : with reference to : in relation to
© 2004 Merriam-Webster, Incorporated
It seems to me that I have allot of respect for my friend, however that it may not be reciprocated. My friend does nice things with me and for me, showing they care, however caring about someone and respecting someone are two different things. Personally I do my best not to judge or talk negatively about my friends and people I care about, if I have an opinion I voice it. If they have a problem with it they will tell me and out of respect for them I will usually keep that opinion to myself, because they have made it know to me that it isn't appreciated. Why call people names and be judgmental, when we each have so many faults and shortcomings of our own. I could be incorrect, but that is how I see it right now. Maybe time will change my opinion. I will probably have more to say about this later.
On to happier things, I called my Dad and wished him a happy birthday. It was so nice to hear his voice and that he was doing well. We talked for a while, and it seems that my parents are quite content and happy, and I am glad to hear it. It seems like the last few times that I have called home I have gotten the answer machine and haven't been able to converse with them.
So Dad you're a year older
Like a fine wine aging with time
You only get better
Unlike my rhymes
A new year to capture your dreams
To drive fast cars
And watch western movies
I don't know if you know this
This is coming straight from my heart
I love you guys so much
I don't know where to start.
Don't worry I won't get mushy
I just wanted to say
Thank you for loving me.
Tuesday, Dec. 02, 2003 - 19:47
Well it's been a while since I have written in here, I have been doing things, but nothing of great importance, till Friday the 28. I met for the first time the sweetest girl.....
by Angel Perdido
The snow coming down everything white
we both walked slowly thought the night.
I found her walking with her head down, and hood up
like a Eskimo all bundled up.
Then like a dream our eyes met,
and I had butterflies in my stomach.
I am not going to get presumptuous, or else I am afraid that I will find out this was all a dream. But I am falling for her and quick. Its so nice to be intimate and close with someone. To know that care about you as much as you care about them. I got back from dinner tonight and got the sweetest message, that she had written me a poem, (wait isn't that what I am usually doing for them? ¿ Have the tables turned ?) he he well its really sweet of her and I can't wait to hear it.
As for today I couldn't get her off my mind. I played tennis with Gary I really like playing tennis with him, and can't wait to play tennis with her too. She's off in school though. and doing well. A smart , sexy, intelligent, and interesting lady. well I don't think I can wait much longer I want to talk to her. I am looking for a job in Norwalk, OH. We will see how it goes.
Wish you were better
by Angel Perdido
If I were there and your throat was sore
You would get hugs, kisses and so much more..
But to make you feel better..
I could only hope
That my love would do the trick
And you would cease to be sick...
Bye for know my friends, till I type again...
Sunday, Nov. 02, 2003 - 03:51
Sometimes it feels like thing are too good to be true. I have been paying attention to the fires that have been ravaging California. and it reminds me of when my house burned down in the 1993 Firestorms. That was a time in my life that I learned that life truly does have a balance. The unthinkable happened, the " Laguna Firestorms" swept through Laguna and played hopscotch with our little beach city. You don't realize how replaceable most of your stuff is until you lose it all. Very few things are so unique that they can not be replaced. My house burning down helped me see how much people really do care about each other though. The Red Cross was there right away to help us deal and cope with the lost. Providing us with snacks some necessities, and emotional support through the whole mishap. Even for many months after they continued to check up on us and help in any way they could. Our friends also know the loss that my family suffered, showed how much they cared by helping us out with everyday items. I will never forget Rich Snyder, probably the kindest man I have ever met, made sure that we had pillows, T-shirts, and towels etc. So when i look back on it, I don't think of the fire as devastating, but as uplifting, reassuring me that people in heart are decent people. As said in "Vanilla Sky", you need the bitter to appreciate the sweet. Do things happen in life for a reason? I think that things happen in our life and we make up the reason that works best for us.
I got a phone call from a friend of mine wishing me a happy Halloween, and it really made my day, nice to know that you are loved. I hope that you know that you are loved. Have a great night when you read this. Here is a song I really like I colored it with my feelings and colors...
"Shimmer" -Fuel- She calls me from the cold Just when I was low, feeling short of stable And all that she intends And all she keeps inside isn't on the label She says she's ashamed Can she take me for awhile Can I be a friend, we'll forget the past Or maybe I'm not able And I break at the bend We're here and now, will we ever be again 'Cause I have found All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade Away again She dreams a champagne dream Strawberry surprise, pink linen on white paper Lavender and cream Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her She says that love is for fools that fall behind, And I'm somewhere between Never really know A killer from a savior 'Til I break at the bend We're here and now, will ever be again 'Cause I have found All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade Away again It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... It's to far away for me to hold To far away.... Guess I'll let it go....
Wednesday, Oct. 29, 2003 - 04:20
Well I had a really nice talk with my mom. I called my parents and talked to my dad and mom. Both seem to be doing very well, and I am glad to hear that. I was worried about the fires in California, and it relieved me to know that they are safe.
I talked with my dad a while about how his life is going and what he is doing. Mostly just chit chat, but it was nice to talk with him non the less.
Then I asked to talk to my mom. Started out the same, however we started to get in to more deep conversation, and I feel like we got closer. Talked about a lot of feelings and ideas, beliefs, and in the end I feel like we are closer because of it and hopefully on the road to being a tighter family. It definitely gave me hope. I told her about this diary, but I am not sure when she will get around to reading it. I hope that it being so sappy and stuff doesn't make her sick. Even if she doesn't like it, at least she will be able to see the inner thought and feelings that I have. Well I am tired, so I think I am going to go to bed. Hope you have a great day.
Saturday, Oct. 25, 2003 - 07:17
I am absolutely mesmerized by Mya's new music video "My Love Is Like Whoa" Its such a imaginative way of being sexy, I really like the outfits she uses in it because while they are sexy, they are tasteful at the same time. I didn't like "Baby Boy" by Byonce because it seemed like all she was doing was trying to flaunt her body, and its not ALL about that. The tap dancing in Mya's video is sexy, and how she presents her ideas, are imaginative. It makes me thing of April though, because she introduced me to that song, and danced to it.
I haven't been able to talk to my latest crush for a while, I hope that everything is going ok and that she is doing well. I have been busy, and I am sure she is really busy being the responsible, smart, sweet, and sexy girl she is. I can only hope that I can measure up. I am really happy I got some free lance work recently, and
How it Is
Say what I mean
Mean what I say..
Live my believes every day....
With a lady I want to share my life..
Some beautiful kids, and a loving wife..
To them I devote my life...
Through thick and think..
Through the happiness and strife..
Always there to support my family.
But we will just have to wait and see
When that will be.
Bunch of old entries that never got entered - From about a year ago.
10:13 AM 10/6/2002
Well I Woke up to find my dad not here. He didn't even leave a note. I think he is either walking on the beach or with my aunt, but I wish he had left a note about where he was going to go. I still have Amanda stuck in my head, she went out last night I hope she had fun. I wish my birthday would hurry up and come, I can't wait to hang out with her. I have been trying to come up with a out line of fun things to be done. Like exploring the beaches and and their limited reaches, small coves like other worlds shielding the occupants from the real world. She is so sweet; I hope that her expectations I meet. She said all gay guys are cute. I wonder if that applies to me too? Lol after all to her parents I am gay, and I guess that's the way it has to stay if I want to see her and be with her. Her voice makes my heart stir, like the waking of a new season in my life, another day another chapter. With that my friend I shall leave you. To clean my room for that special guest that has given me hope that life is not mundane. ;) ------
2:22 PM 10/6/2002
Well I miss her voice
That audible nectar
Music to my ears
Like chocolate to my tongue.
Her sweetness permeates my soul
Talking to her makes me feel whole
I am hoping that I am not the only one.....
9:27 PM 10/7/2002
Some people would call me a sap
Well I can live with that
I think that I am falling in love with her
Will I be lucky enough for her to fall in love with me too?
Or am I destine to be blue?
I wake up and she's on my mind,
I need someone kind
At work I think of her some more
Does she think that I am a bore?
On the phone I talk so much
About all that's swirling in my head
I want her to want me too
Is that so impossible?
She deserves someone who really cares about her
I hope that she will choose me to love her
I was at work today and Jim had a Porno mag in his work chest, and I joked with him that it was his motivation for the day. And well he agreed, and I explained that Porno didn't do it for me, I want to see touch smell taste, and most of all experience her. I want to know that she wants me as bad as I want her and together we explore the vast and intense world of sensuality, the sexual and mental aspects. Sharing apart of each other as we combine releasing our emotions, tensions, and love for each other. He said that once your married your choices, are narrowed. I sincerely told him that he was lucky for I still have to find a lady to love me. That's all I really want, a lady that I can love and spoil with my love. That will show me how much they care at the end of the day. Unlike most men I only need one that loves me. In her love I will have everything I need. She must feel the same way about me too. In Amanda I am hoping that love will pull us together. After talking to her for so long I have found that we share so much, feelings views, pleasures. She is a sweet person and defiantly marriage material. After she visits for my birthday I will know if we do fit. Well there I go being sappy again, well she has stirred my heart and I have only felt this way about one other person. Well I am going to call her right now... I need to hear her voice. Florentino De Laguna
10:04 PM 10/8/2002
I think I have the symptoms of falling in love... She's on my mind constantly. Just talking to her makes me smile, and then every thing's worthwhile. Some would disagree, but I think that love is what makes the world turn around. Maybe I am just young and naive, but I would die for love. I would give my life so that they could live. I think it unfortunate that people have lost focus on what really counts in life. Caring about people and having people that you care about, is the greatest thing in the world. Its been so tough for me though because I have standards, I am not picky but I am looking for the one for me, and not everybody can be that one. They have to be smart, sweet, and spontaneous, open to new ideas, sexual/sensual, thoughtful, and not mind me being romantic, and wanting them to be happy. You know some girls don't want to be happy, and want their guys to treat them bad, I can't understand why. As a child I have always had such a huge respect for girls. I didn't really kiss a girl until I was 15. I couldn't understand why she would want to kiss me? I wasn't hot or smooth, but in time I came to realize that it isn't all about that, So many times I saw a hot girl, but found her not to have any personality, and she ceased to be beautiful and vice versa, however it seems to me that when they have a good personality they are good looking, not sure if its because they have a good personality. I am always stumped when I ask someone what they look for in a date, and they start telling me physical features, like that's the most important thing in the world. Looks come and go. I want to know what the person is really about. All I need is the truth. Well I am just happy that I have found someone that I am really into, and with that I am going to go explore in slumber land... night... Florentino De Laguna
7:40 PM 10/9/2002
Well a wrench has been thrown into my birthday plans. The night before Amanda is supposed to fly here, my mom calls it off. She says that she isn't comfortable with someone she doesn't know staying the night here. Can you believe that? No thought that maybe she could just humor me for my birthday, and let me be happy with someone that I obviously care about. I know in my head that Tamara cares about me, but I don't feel it. Is it me? Nothing is good enough for her. She has a life that girls dream about. A husband that loves her, pretty much bends to her will. She lives on the beach, doesn't have to work, gets to paint as much as she wants, practically everything a lady could ask for is hers, and yet she isn't happy. An 80 acre ranch in the mountains, and still she isn't happy, has a pessimistic view on life. Has a summer cabin in Idyllwild, yet still she's not happy, and that baffles me. Because don't have someone that cares for me as much as my Dad cares for her, I don't have a house of my own, and I work for a living. But I am happy. ? I found someone I like allot and would like to care for. Things are going to be great, and I hope that she falls in love with me like I know I am falling for her. Well I have to go make alternate plans... I am still going to have a great weekend.
Florentino De Laguna-- the sensitive straight guy!
11:27 PM 10/9/2002
Well I got a hold of her. Just talking to her makes me feel better. It makes me feel like everything is worth it just to hear her voice. Ok so I think I am officially falling crazily in love with her... you can't blame me though, sweet, smart, devoted, and intelligent. What more could you ask for?
well besides her being closer, but that can happen with time. I hope that I am not the only one feeling these things. Well it looks like its all going to go great, I got our hotel room, though surprised when told, she didn't seem to dislike the idea. So hopefully I won't have to sleep on the ground. Well I am going to go to bed. Have a good day, night or whatever... best wishes- Florentino De Laguna -- the one intoxicated by his feelings.
7:37 PM 10/10/2002
Why is it that when we want something the most that is when it doesn't work out? Or is it just me? I really like Amanda so much, well today, instead of walking back into my life like she was supposed to, she didn't come. No call, no warning, no nothing. I have to admit it hurts; maybe I was being naive in thinking that she would come all the way to California to visit me. I mean who am I anyway, except some guy a couple hundred miles away that keeps calling her. I know there must be some logical explanation for this. Parents found letter? Or she missed the flight. I will forgive her the moment she tells me what happened. This was supposed to be the greatest weekend ever.
Waiting and Watching.
By Angel Perdido
Expectations running hi
I wonder where she will be.
All these people going by
Do you thing she will recognize me?
Soon I will see her beautiful face.
I'll go running up to her
Pick her up spin her around
So happy I will be.
Anxiously looking around
Feel so bad she had to wait
Trying not to be a worry wart
I guess this is our first date?
Seems thought that I know her well
And she shouldn't be this late.
What possibly could have happened?
I bet it's all my fault
I should have met her here at one
But it really wasn't my call
I can't get through to her phone,
This isn't good at all.
Where is this girl I like so much?
I really need to know
I can't find her just my luck
Maybe she didn't really want to go.
I promised her I wouldn't give up
I will stay here all night
Maybe she was delayed
Possibly had to get another flight
I better check with the counter
Its getting so late.
I am so concerned about her
Why is she making me wait?
The counter said she didn't make the flight
So the mystery is solved.
I guess I better go home now
There's no one here after all
It seemed so perfect, where did things go wrong?
Maybe if I was better, she really would want to come.
There must be a logical reason
An explanation or excuse
The thing that hurts the most
Is that finally I wasn't going to be alone
Because I think I have found my match
A sweet girl with pretty blue eyes
And a little cute hat.
I feel like crying
Feel like dying
Best said by Shakespeare
"...Thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to..."
All I want is someone that wants me as much as I want them...
Is that too much to want?
I will find my love in the end,
She's not there at the Southwest Gate
I will have to wait till another day
Confused I write how I feel
Yearning to hear the sound of her voice on the phone
To at least know she's safe at home.
All of this without warning, no call
Its ok in time I will learn
I have fallen for her harder than I though after all
Well I haven't given up hope
I like her and will not let this keep me down.
Call me a dope
But love is strongest thing I know.
It knows not the limits of a town
But can keep alive the flame of hope
No matter how crazy it sounds.
For love isn't always logical,
Well, minute by minute hour by hour
Remind me to buy her flowers.
Tonight I am confused and hurt
But have fallen in love with her
I wish she was here…
6:13 AM 10/11/2002
I guess now I know what Amanda felt like, believing in something then finding out it has changed for no reason. No call or nothing. I am sure that there was a good reason, but it doesn't help me feel any better if I don't know it. I just want a call :( Well I am going to cry again then go to work, and though it feels like my world has stopped, the real world goes on. --Sober writings from a confused and distraught helpless romantic-- (so very helpless) Florentino De Laguna
9:00 AM 10/12/2002
Well I still haven't heard from Amanda. I hope that she isn't avoiding me, that's worse than what has happened. I don't think that I have ever given her reason to think that I would get mad at her. I like her so much it hurts that I haven't been able to talk to her for so long. I am beginning to really worry, because what if something terrible happened to her? I have called her number probably too many times, but what do you expect I am worried. I hope that I didn't do something to make her mad and not come, I can only think that I must have done something wrong. My mom says its inconsiderate that she hasn't called to clear things up, however I know that she is a caring and sweet person, and that there must be a good reason. Even if its just that she feels bad? Well I hope that she realizes that I am not upset with her, just bummed because I was looking forward to being with her, walking on the beach, playing the piano, watching movies, talking till late at night, having someone to share my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I don't deserve that. Lets face it I have never been very good with women. It all started my mom putting me up for adoption, then getting shuffled between the states my biological mom, and foster families. Finally when I found a family that really wanted well, even then I didn't do very well with that woman. Eventually I ran away at age 15. I had thought about it since I had been a little kid, but what child doesn't? But due to certain circumstances, I actually carried it out at age 15. I tried to work things out but my parents didn't want to discuss our family's problems.
See in Amanda I have found all the qualities that I look for. I admit some may call me picky, but I am looking for the one I fit with and I am a intricate person with ideas and believes that aren't exactly status quo.
Amanda has shown herself to be sensitive, innocent to a degree, thinks the same way as me on most all the topics I brought up. Has drive to do something with her life, smart, humble, sensual/sexual, and last of all very attractive.
Why is it that people tell me I can have any girl that I like, that I am " A sweet sensitive guy that deserves a great girl" But when I find a great girl it seems that they are too good for me. I am sure that I did something wrong. I guess I am guilty of falling for her too soon. In life however I have learned that you must have to bitter to fully appreciate and recognize the sweet. SHE is so very sweet, so I am very sure that this i just a balancing of the world. My life has been a little too sweet for a while here; we have to keep things in perspective. But I have this pain in my heart, I just really want someone like her to care about me, I care about her but does that not matter. I want her to be happy, with me my love and her life. Maybe I just wasn't cut out to be with someone so great. That's a horrible thought but sometimes we have to face the music? Sounds like the same thing that she said? No I know that if she gave me a chance I could be all that in her life. I mean what does he has that I can't offer her. I have more to offer I think because I care about her and would never hurt her the way he did. She would always know that I am crazily in love with her. "I have never been so alone" -Motorcycle Drive By- Third Eye Blind. She has helped give me a reason to get through the last few weeks. I just hope that in the future her part in play of my life becomes more tangible and real.
3:37 PM 10/13/2002
Well still no word from Amanda. I don't know what to think. Patience will reward me with the answer. I went to the beach today early, it was really great I traded skim boards with a kid down there for a month or so.. I really like his board. I talked to Norelle again. She is a cool girl, I am happy. She wants me to visit her for her birthday and concert.. I would love to go...
4:44 PM 10/13/2002
Well I went down to the beach again, gosh its so nice living here..
I just talked to Mariela, she's doing good.
I checked out Flight prices to New York, and I found that I could get a semi good rate, and use the credit that I have from the Vegas tickets.
I am going to go see what's happening for dinner. My mom just came in and is laying on my bed, like it's her own... AS IF ;) it really cute and nice to have her here...
I am going to finish the Comp USA Application.
I also have to do the math on the materials that I am going to need for my Raptor Cart.
Well I am going to get started I will write more later...
9:13 PM 10/15/2002
Hey waz up. I am chilling in my b day suit, speaking of B-days, I am 20 now. Hmm slowly getting older. Well aren't we all. My birthday waz nice, my dad took my by Dive N Surf and bought me a wet suit. It is so nice going skimming with a wet suit on. Don't get nearly as cold. I went down today as soon as I got home. I got a couple small tubes and a few other good rides. I was very happy when I got back, and to make things even better, Norelle called me as I was getting out of my wet suit, and we talked for a while, its really cool, because she is as moved by music as me. I think this New York trip may be a really cool thing. I have to try to figure out some of the logistics of it, but I think that it may work. Oh remind me to talk to Christi, bout laptop. I would so love to get my hands on that, I wonder what kind of deal I could work out with her. I hope she doesn't sell it.
Tomorrow morning I need to talk to SWA and see if there are any openings, in the flight schedules, and set up a courtesy hold again.
I also need to talk to Matt about going to New York. And not forget to pick up a few things there for friends. Hat for Mariela, and something unique for Liz, and Claritza,
I really need to continue writing my book, but haven't seemed to have the time to write. Mariela left a message here today, and it was nice that she wished me a belated birthday lol I wonder she may be late to her own wedding I swear. Well I hope not, she would get so mad if she read that... I am just joking about her being late.
I so need a good woman in my life who is going to be there for me for a while, I hope that I don't have to be much more patient, because I am so tired of being patient..
7:40 PM 10/18/2002
Hey I had a good day, I hope that you did to. My day consisted of work, and one good wave. I love coming home, and catching waves, it reminds me of the pleasures that keep life worthwhile. The reason we work all day long. I wish that I had more of a reason, but that seems to be the reason that's working for me right now, in the future who knows, it may be a family. I sure hope so, and sweet wife. Sometimes, its hard to look at our lives, and a bigger plan, because we are living in the now, the now spreads out so huge on the canvas in which we paint our dreams.
I am listening to Kenny Rankin, and it's making me love sick. I sometimes feel like I am all alone, I know I have friends that care, and parents who love me, there is nothing that compares to the feeling of truly being loved. Something that I have never had for too long. Is this how my life is suppose to go? I believe that we shape are future, but are there truly some things that aren't within our power?
Norelle just called me. We talked for a while. She didn't have such a good day. I felt so happy when I heard her voice. She broke up with her boyfriend. How could he do that to her that is so not cool. She deserves so much better than that. But on the up side at least she found out now rather than down the road. O and in response to her tryouts, she was asked to come back. Isn't that cool. I am looking forward to jamming with her. Well I am going to go watch a movie, but I will write more later.. Romantically Introspective Beach Bum --- :) Florentino De Laguna....
11:14 PM 10/18/2002
HMmmmmm Life a unique blend of shocks to our senses, that we try to make reason of.
9:04 PM 10/23/2002
Wow its been while since I have typed to you, I have been busy working and what have you been doing, I am sorry. This is the first time this week however that I have gotten home before 7:30 PM. I still have to buy the tickets to New York, but I am still planning on going through with it. Angela got really mad at me
9:48 PM 10/24/2002
I am on the phone with my friend... Claritza who is trying to justify why she is hanging up on me.. I know though better though and won't let her go... for I know... she won't go.. so... she wants me to pay.. I will someday.. hey I am rhyming...
9:15 PM 10/28/2002
Well I am having a great day, I got to talk to Deanna, and that is what turned my day around. I hope that she stays in my life. I like her. of course I am happy that she said as many nice things about me today as I did about her. She got my email, and that made me very happy.
On a less ecstatic note, my mom wants me to apologize for not leaving a note that I had gone. I thought it was pretty obvious, since I had told my dad earlier. but Hey whatever, as Deanna said, just say your sorry. Well I think she is right in this case, but I am not sure it will be as easy as that.. well I hope that it is for my sake right now.. I need things to go good so that I can move into Malibu.. which reminds me I have to call Lee and tell him its on. That would mean I have to get a car :(
9:11 PM 10/30/2002
Well today my Dad outlined a idea that I could stay with grandma to make things easier and so that I could still work with him, and get out of debt and he could help me at the same time..
Well today I am bummed, because I called Deanna at work and I didn't reach her again. and the same gruff guy answered the phone at her house and so I asked him to tell her that I called, but he didn't sound very nice :( I hope that he is that way to everyone and not just me. well I am tired, So I am going to hit the sack and Dream Of Deanna. I really like her, lets just hope that she will want to stay in my life a while. Good night..
Monday, Oct. 20, 2003 - 04:29
Girl in my head at play (Hey it makes sense to me!)
Some crushes, don't go away,
I hope this one is here to stay
Because in this case it is a good thing.
It won't end up in a fling
We have been talking more and more
I worry in time she'll find me a bore.
Everything she has to say
Really brightens up my day.
I can't help but idolize everything she says and does
(but that aside she really is an angel from above.)
These words are just flying out of my head
Pure thoughts feelings and ideas I haven't said.
Only in poetry can I find this release,
Do you think in time she will love me?
I hope so, say it's true.
Because I know I'll love her too
But in these thoughts I read far ahead
From small things that we have said
I think we write our destiny
So we will have to wait and see
And for now I tackle a new day
Full of new experiences and sensuality
Lots to observe and more to learn
True love I have yet to earn
Wednesday, Oct. 15, 2003 - 02:34
Oct 14 was my birthday,and now I am 21 ... There are no more legal hurtles, the race has just begun. I am a adult in the eyes of the law. But what does it mean to really be an adult? because if it means taking care of yourself, well I have been doing that for a while.
Main Entry: 1adult
Pronunciation: &-'d<, 'a-"d<
Etymology: Latin adultus, past participle of adolescere to grow up, from ad- + -olescere (from alescere to grow) -- more at OLD
1 : fully developed and mature : GROWN-UP
2 : of, relating to, intended for, or befitting adults
3 : dealing in or with explicitly sexual material <adult bookstores> <adult movies>
Well it seems to me that I was developed at the age 18 and maturity, well how do you judge maturity? I already had a philosophy on life and what I believe the meaning of it is. I had chosen to lose my virginity to someone I care about. I had thought about my future, and taken the appropriate actions to make it secure.
well I now fit the definition below. I am a adult. But aren't we all really just children in the eyes of history.
Main Entry: 2adult
: one that is adult; especially : a human being after an age (as 21) specified by law
- adult·like /&-'d<-"lIk/ adjective
Main Entry: 1ma·ture
Pronunciation: m&-'tur, -'tyur also -'chur
Inflected Form(s): ma·tur·er; -est
Etymology: Middle English, from Latin maturus ripe; akin to Latin mane in the morning, manus good
Date: 15th century
1 : based on slow careful consideration mature judgment>
2 a (1) : having completed natural growth and development : RIPE (2) : having undergone maturation b : having attained a final or desired state <mature wine> c : having achieved a low but stable growth rate
3 a : of or relating to a condition of full development b : characteristic of or suitable to a mature individual <mature outlook>
4 : due for payment mature loan>
5 : belonging to the middle portion of a cycle of erosion
- ma·ture·ly adverb
Why does a mature judgment have to be slow? maybe you considered all the possibilities quickly and made your judgment. When we become mature are we due for payment? What is the payment? to society, or the ones we care about? I think its to both. Why is mature used for when a loan is due, or the finish of the loan, however it tis the middle porton of a cycle of erosion? Personally I am never going to be mature until I die. because I will have attained life's final state. and I will have grown and developed as much as I could both mentally and physically. How can anyone really claim to be mature when there is so much to be learned and understood.
Main Entry: 2mature
Inflected Form(s): ma·tured; ma·tur·ing
Date: 15th century
transitive senses : to bring to maturity or completion
1 : to become fully developed or ripe
2 : to become due
well my day is almost mature, I feel the need to go to bed. I got an email from a crush of mine and it made my day. I hope that a girl as sweet and smart and sexy as her shares her life with me someday. Until then a helpless romantic, I will stay writing songs and poetry waiting for that day, when she'll come along and take my blues away. Good night ..... good day ... be that as it may... I can't stay... Thoughts of a Sole Mate's Heart
There was this girl
Who was my world,
I used to call her
My Twist and Twirl
We had great times
Hand n hand
She was my everything
And I was her man
I don't know how
But I messed up
Acted out of fear
Instead of love
She has a fiance now
And we are states apart
But I knew she was my sole mate
From the very start
She believe we're sole mates too
So why is she marrying him
What can I do...
Am I just a fool?
I would give her the world
and not just my heart
If shed marry me
I know it would work.
Don't know what to do
Not very much time
In the end its her decision.
Wednesday, Oct. 08, 2003 - 11:52
Well I am having a pretty good day, pretty much finished packing and I am ready to go. Ohio here I come. I have been talking to this girl in California, and I miss her so much she doesn't even know. I never really told her before, how much I really liked her. We didn't get to spend a whole lot of time together, then we were separated by half a globe. Finally though it seems like I will get to see her again, or at least thats our plan. She could have any guy she wants, so sweet and smart. But I am going to try not to let my emotions get ahead of myself. (does that make any sense?) What I mean is, it would be foolish to give her my heart if she doesn't want it. I don't know, but I do know that I am setting things up so that hopefully I will be able to return to Cali...
I met a girl is a coffee shop
She was so sweet and very hot
Regrettably I had to leave
Because I had a ticket to NYC
She left the country for a little while
To study in the Australian wild
Though she was so far away
I never forgot her beautiful face
So we had gone different ways
Separated by continents and water ways
Both busy with lots of work
We lost contact with each other
But recently I had a dream
That we were together sailing on the sea
And though we hadn't talked for a while
I still could remember her sexy smile
I called her cell phone the other day
She said shed call me back after nine
A few days went by
So I though I'd give it another try
We talk late into the night
Almost until the outside was light
I think she knows that I still like her
And that she makes my days brighter
Does she like me
Where we meant to be
Two sweethearts from Cali
I guess we will have to wait and see
Monday, Oct. 06, 2003 - 02:05
I often think of a girl that I admit, could have easily and still could easily have my heart. So sweet yet smart, just talking to her warmed my heart, and reminded me of a time when i didn't feel so alone, even if just for a little while. Of her beauty I haven't forgotten, and more education she has gotten, but something about her attracts be, not just the beauty and superficiality, but her being, I guess just that she has always been so sweet and nice. But enough talk about this Love will come to me in time, and and if I should be so lucky that we share this life, I think that I couldn't be happier.
On other topics, I was thinking the other day while reading the newspaper and researching current events. About the Govoner of California my home state, well I do think that Gray Davis, needs to be thrown out, however I am not sure who should be put in. Arnold seems as good a person as any, he didn't get to where he is out of luck. I guess the real question is what are the alternatives. At least we know he doesn't care about payoffs, I don't see why he would run if he didn't care, he has most all the money he could want he doesn't have to put himself through the political Nightmare that has become our system for election people. As for his stance about Hitler, well I don't think anyone really knows the truth on that. However I think that it is possible to envy and admire a man without agreeing with what he stands for. For instance I admire that Hitler and Mussilini brought their people together. Gave their people hope, and accomplished massive feats. However I hate what they used that power for, how they misused the people, and did such terrible acts. What they stood for was horrible. How they could lead so many people however to accomplish there will, now thats amazing. I can see how someone who isn't paying attention enough could confuse what I said just now and think me a horrible person. Let me make this clear Hitler is abomination to everything I hold dear. I believe that we should govern our actions by doing things that we know don't hurt people and ultimately does positive things in our lives. We get what we put out into the world three fold.
Well I am tired, so I am going to take a nap, but I am not finished. I have much on my mind. I think that I am becoming enamored with someone from CA again, more on that and the crazy muzings of a sensual lunatic ;) when I return.
Friday, Oct. 03, 2003 - 17:06
Well I haven't been able to write for a while, because my roommate has been using the modem for the last few days... I hope you are all doing well, I am sailing with the winds of change yet once again. Seems that I am off to Ohio. I am really happy to be moving, I don't think I could be here very much longer. Ohh I just found a poem that I wrote a while back, and I thought I would type it for ya all.
Just 4 You
I lay on the couch at night
And think of your beautiful face
How I long to see the lights
Of your car pull into the parking space
Until four I wait
Wishing you will walk in the door
At last my patience is rewarded
And I don't have to wait no more
Unfortunately you had a bad night
And I can do nothing to make things right
So I decide to finish this poem
Even though I am tired and up alone
Your smile makes me warm inside
Your eyes give me butterflies
The day we met something clicked
Now I can't get you out of my mind
All I know is I like you
And there's nothing you can do
I think your sweet and very neat
And have an amazing body too
I hope you won't go and break my heart
But who knows what's to come
On you love I will take the chance
Because if I don't I'll regret the choice for many years to come
You asleep on that couch
You are so very beautiful
Unfortunately I must sleep too its 5:32
Hopefully someday when I sleep I will be laying next to you
On the same note, I was thinking about Tamara (a girl I had a crush on) and can't help but wonder if she could like me too. Its scary to think that I would give up freedom happily for love. But I guess in true love you are in a sense free. Free from feeling alone. And thats the greatest feeling to love and to be loved. Someone asked me what five things I couldn't live without, and I realized there was only one I really couldn't live without.... Love.
It will come soon enough, until then I am thankful for what I have got. Speaking of being thankful. I talked to my dad the other day, it was really great, I just let him know what I was up to and that I hadn't died yet or got the flu. Just that I was alive and kicking. I really like talking to my dad, it seems in his life right now he is having the most fun he has ever had. Thats really great and it makes me happy.
Monday, Sept. 29, 2003 - 02:33
Talking to a friend the other day reminded me of a crush that I had on this one girl, and it blows my mind, because I really liked this girl so much, and if I could ever be with a girl like her, I think I would be willing to change quite a few things in my life. How often is it that you find someone that is sweet smart cute and that likes your too? well I don't know about your life, however I don't get that lucky and if I do then circumstances don't let me do anything about it. I would want to give her the world. I just hope that I have that type of opportunity someday soon. I feel as though I am missing my better half. I don't know. Its really nice to have friends that care and are sweet enough to call ya and just chat, sometimes it feels like I am all alone. I know that sounds crazy especially when I know in my head there are lots of people that care, however I don't feel that way. I mean I have very few people who just call me to say hey I was thinking about you, or was making sure you haven't died on me. Well I am still here, and I am continuing to pursue my dreams. I think I am going to be heading north soon. I need to get to NYC make some money so that I can live an easier lifestyle. See I kind of hoped that I would find a girl that liked me now, because if she can fall in love with me while I am penniless, then I know it must be real. About my personality and hers, instead of our status in society, etc. Well I have to go and call a friend and let them know I care.
If your a nice person I will always be here.
If you get hurt I will shed a tear
A shoulder to cry on
For there's nothing to fear
Your not on your own
You'll never be alone
I will have you in my heart
And I will be there when everything else is gone
I am a man of my word
And I continually learn
That each other is all we have
And so I love each other asking nothing in return
But love and peace
and if we ever should meet
I give you a smile
A friendly word on the street
So my friend
bye for now
Friday, Sept. 27, 2003 - 02:10
I contemplated today what I would like to do for my birthday. Though I have been thinking about the fact it is so close, I haven’t really been thinking about what I would like to do for it. Ideally I would have a girlfriend, and we could go to a beach, and lay on a blanket in the sand watching the sunset, eating chocolate strawberries together, then lay down comfortable like I was with April, and look up at the stars whispering sweet things in each others ears, warm and safe together. Knowing that we face the world together.
This makes me think of a sweet person, that I used to date, who I really miss. It seems life is unfair sometimes, and though we love certain people, we don’t get to stay with them. I got a letter from her today and it really made my day. She deserves a great man, so sweet, smart, and sexy (A rare combination).
She Made My Day
I got a letter
From her today
It made things better
It made my day
Though she is so far away
She showed she cares
And that feels nice
She lives up where
Its bright at night
I still remember the East Village lights
In memory I shed a tear
How unlikely we met at The Slide
It was so nice to have her near
She and all her gay friends arrived
She saw me dancing and said oh my
The rest became history
And that’s how I met a great lady
I leave out her name to be a gentleman
And lucky for me now she’s my friend
And so not all good things have to end
And so sweet memories I will always have
About the girl who introduce me to drag
And showed all about burlesque today
Lovingly sharing her life with me
I will always love her unconditionally
I had a long talk with my next door neighbors; I really enjoyed it and learned a bit. It helped give me a different perspective on parents and childhood. I had a good childhood though it was different. I chose for it to be that way. I guess some people would see it differently, or maybe its just me that sees it differently.
I am still searching for the one, that when all is said and done, will love me for being me, and I can love just as equally. But another day has gone by and I have no girl at my side. However for now I will let this topic rest, for I have talked about this before and don’t want to think about it tonight. I go now to my dreams of the happiness that could be.
Tuesday, Sept. 23, 2003 - 03:41I have concluded that I am the biggest sap in the world. Is it ok to be so sensitive?
I think maybe this is partly what makes me crazy. I can even feel the feelings of characters that were made up in someones imagination. Who knows maybe I am just a figment of someone's imagination.. ciao